Lately, I have been thinking a lot about my place in society and my part in relationships. You see, I kind of hate to admit these things, but:

A) I am highly sensitive. I think I always have been, but have just recently realized it. I used to be better at reigning in the emotions (or at least I think I was) before my current relationship. My current relationship has been a long one- one for which I am very grateful. My boyfriend is an incredible human being and I love him very much. Maybe it is being in a relationship that has caused me to feel more emotionally vulnerable and expressive (something I’d really love to not be), or maybe it’s just that because I live with and interact so closely with my boyfriend, I feel more self-conscious about expressing my emotions, and therefore notice that I am experiencing them. Writing this makes me feel embarrassed. I am still learning about high sensitivity, but it seems so odd that I realize that I am generally sensitive, but am not sensitive to that fact. Sensitivity seems like a distinct weakness (and is, in my opinion, one of my greatest weaknesses), but since I don’t consider myself weak, I guess it makes sense that I am hesitant in my wanting to identify myself as such in any form.

B) I attract narcissists. (Okay, not uniformly, but if I attract someone, there is a pretty darn good chance that he is a narcissist. Yay.) And I attract them accidentally. And with magnetism- spellbinding, as it’s sometimes called. This, I have regarded as a strength. So much so that, as I type, I wonder if it is a good idea that I am revealing this. (Of course that’s another one of my iffy traits- my generally very honest… too honest, maybe, nature.) I’m not sure I see my appeal from the perspective of those (few) that I attract, but it is strong. And it makes me feel a little guilty, to be honest. Because I feel like, in maintaining a friendship with a person who admires me in a way I don’t reciprocate, I am somehow being manipulative. And I really, truly, 100% don’t want that. But I do want to be friends with people who are very kind to me. I try to make my intentions (or lack thereof) very clear, but also be kind and be a friend to these people. Who doesn’t like to feel appreciated? But again, it concerns me that I am being accidentally encouraging to unrequited feelings. If I felt certainty that I was worsening these people by continuing to communicate with them from time to time, I would readily and quickly halt all interaction with them.

C) I have a tendency to become spellbound. Perhaps this ties into my high sensitivity, but I have found that while I attract people (many of whom it seems are attracted to me for their own benefit- much like leeches) magnetically, I, too, am the type to fall prey to deeply magnetic figures. It is very hard for me when I happen to fall under the spell of someone who is narcissistic, and I believe this has happened twice so far, and hopefully never again. Especially hopefully never again because I can’t say with conviction (although of course I’d like to) that I have broken either of the spells to which I’ve fallen prey.

I have noticed that there are times, many times, when I somehow forget who I am. It sounds really bizarre if you haven’t experienced it, I know. I forget what my strengths and weaknesses are, I forget events that have helped shape me, and probably strangest of all, I sometimes find my own reflection a little foreign (despite the fact that I have looked almost exactly as I currently do for ten years). To best remedy this, I have found taking comprehensive personality tests satisfying. While I sometimes feel like I have forgotten who I am, I always remain myself, and to rediscover this through answering questions and having my answers electronically evaluated, though maybe shallow and strange, has proven to be very soothing for me. Life is such a blessing, such and opportunity for growth. I realize my own personal struggles may be exceedingly bizarre, but I am grateful for the lessons that come with them and feel certain that I am learning, perhaps slowly, all that I am meant to from this elaborate and unending experience.

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