Isn’t it challenging when you have convinced yourself of things that may or may not be true? For example, it is a concern of mine that my personality is one with which those I love most will tire. It is hard for me to imagine that I will be a positive part of a truly long-term relationship (10+ years). I think deep-seated insecurities like this cause me to behave erratically from time to time, and thus attempt to become some form of self-fulfilling prophecy. This concern of mine is not unrelated to much of what has been my overall concern for self-improvement recently: I desperately want to become a more positive person. I am able to achieve a fair amount of positivity when making a concentrated effort, but am often still not at the level I hope to someday hold and present naturally. I want positivity for my own benefit, of course, but in the interest of avoiding dishonesty, I must also admit that I want it mostly for the benefit of those I hold and will hold nearest to my heart. Again, I am not yet at my goal level, but I strive to touch the worlds of my immediate family (present and future) in a way that radiates genuine kindness and is uplifting. Again, I know I, too, will benefit from fostering positive thoughts, but the thought of helping my someday husband and children to feel positivity innately is the most satisfying of all. In my own life, I expect I’ll continually fight my own tendency toward dark streaks. The battles are decidedly challenging, but it will absolutely break my heart if I allow my own personal issues to burden those that I value more than the oxygen in my own lungs. If I’m not strong enough to help myself, I don’t believe I have the right at all to attempt to help anyone else.

There is so much negativity around me. I almost feel like identifying negativity as such is somehow projective. It’s almost like those crazy kids who brag all the time about how they ‘don’t like drama’ even though you know damn well that it would be shocking if they, themselves, were not a large contributor to the ‘drama’ that they find so notable. In any case, I find that there are a lot of instances of pessimism and touting the self as superior to specific others or society as a whole in my daily life, and that is something I need desperately to avoid. I realize that ignoring the less-than-ideal traits of others will not change the fact that they exist, but I believe there to be a time and a place to address these issues. These should not be daily and/or hourly conversation topics. At this semi-fragile time on my hopeful road to positivity it’s too easy to latch onto the bad parts of people and/or the world, and I need to be sure I don’t fall into the ravine. I guess, for now, the best advice for me is to remember that I’m my own best friend on this journey, that it is a journey and I need to be proud of myself every step of the way, and that this is a beautiful and limitless undertaking. With my positive outlook and deep, deep love that has rooted itself in Kyle, I will share the most invaluable gift (even if it only has a small influence) I could ever hope to give to the world.

If this is disjointed at all, please forgive me. I am not a nighttime person, it turns out. hah 🙂 Thanks, as always, for your time.