I haven’t written in a while, but obviously the kind of craziness (or objective truths?) I’ve been writing about all along is always on my mind. At the base of everything, as far as I can tell, is this: virtually everyone I know is deeply emotionally scarred. People manage their damage differently, but I can’t say for certain that any one way is better than another. In my experience, expressing issues from time to time is an okay route in that you may eventually solve some of your problems, but at the same time, if you can push the problems away from you almost entirely, you’ll very likely be doing your functioning self a favor.

I think, for my own purposes, I need to select this route. A person can’t take what most people do or say personally; they’re seeking to fulfill their own needs. My own needs involve helping other people and feeling like those who I have helped are appreciative of my work. Looking to others to fulfill my needs, though, puts stress on them very unfairly; I need to take responsibility for my own happiness. This is easier said than done, and is a long journey, one which I will be on continuously for the rest of my life because of my inherent emotional issues, I’m certain. But this journey is so imperative for me I can’t even explain it to you. In a world where all you’re worth to others is what you provide them, parents jokingly disown you, people leap at opportunities to argue, and the distribution of hugs is considered to be an imposition, all there is for me is to separate myself from the hurt, constantly distribute love, and reward myself. Again, I can’t stress enough how severely I fall short in living these ideals, but at least I know they’re there. I need to take the path, and I will. And, though I will hope that my presence provides goodness in the lives of those I encounter, I will learn to release my concern with whether or not I am perceived well and will kill my desire to find approval in the eyes of those I love. It doesn’t matter if it’s there or not, and it is certainly not there when you seek it.

From these thoughts, I am roundaboutly brought back to my favorite Bible verses. I do not consider myself to be traditionally religious at all, but Matthew 6:1, 6:2, and 6:3 have always really spoken to me: “Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven. So, when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as [they] do… in the streets, so that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.” Basically, be good and kind and generous because that’s who you are, not because you want or expect recognition. This is what I have always been trying to implement in my life, but am going to focus on even more as my life continues. It does occur to me that it is contradictory to write about this pursuit on the Internet, which could be accessed by anyone. My only rebuttal to that is that no one views this site, and if someone were to, I find it would be very unlikely that they care about my personal goals. Anyway, that’s all for now. 🙂

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