I think it’s safe to say that my sense of self is not fully loaded. I certainly have opinions and am not a bland blob of a human by my own standards, but I don’t really have anything by which I define myself. At least not these days. It’s interesting to write this, because even as I write it, my sense of self is so, I don’t know- fluid?, that I’m not even sure saying that my sense of self isn’t clearly defined is an accurate statement. But I feel this way currently, and it seems highly likely that I have felt this way for quite a span of years. I don’t really understand the cause, aside from broadened horizons. It seems probable to me that this is one of those double-edged sword situations– you’ll have a clearer view of the world!! Oh, but also you’ll probably lose yourself. It’s a fine state of being if you can keep navigating through (and you’ve gotta) but it does feel a lot like metaphorically standing atop a freshly mopped tile floor 24/7.  Arguably it’s the only way to be, but some people seem to embrace it better than I feel I do. I guess being able to step back from this ‘clear (I guess?)’ world view is what’s important. Also, community probably helps. Community seems like a common denominator among the individuals that I have encountered who are able to expertly navigate the turbulent waters in this life. It’s my own fault, of course, that each time I develop a sort of community historically, I seem to distance myself from it. I used to be firmly of the belief that this sort of damage and healing built strength within my soul- that I’d learn lessons and cover more ground in terms of progressing through the many, many situations that human life can offer. Maybe I’m feeling defeat-y today, but is there any real best way to live? When I’m feeling proud, I like to lump myself in with historic figures who were unafraid to explore. And I’m not afraid, but it’s isolating by nature. And isolation just doesn’t always yield happiness. Happiness is all this life is about, though, is it not? That’s the only goal I’ve been able to pinpoint. But I have more depth from subjecting myself to new environments, right? Oh, also, the drama of this perspective, though uncomfortable, is definitely habit-forming. So healthy.

I think a large part of my problem is that I’m too honest these days. At least with myself. For a split second, I wanted to question my definitive statement that I have a problem but then my honesty kicked in once again. I’m going to give myself the benefit of the doubt and say that almost everyone has a ‘problem’ of one sort or another and that it’s a necessary component of not being dull in the realm of the written word, at least. Though, of course, my pride is too much to admit that my own struggles may be commonplace. So I won’t go that far. In any case, whatever it is that I am referring to runs deeply through my life and is cyclical/deeper as it cycles. Viewing myself with harsh objectivity is a disservice because the world is critical enough of every single being as it is, but I find it to be inevitable as I seek to only improve the lives of those around me. It is by this previous sentence that my life is both defined and wreaked havoc upon. I’m living as a sort of reduced version of who I once was, but the more I learn, the more I feel compelled to reduce. And the reduction isn’t my favorite, but through my relentless honesty with myself, I simply cannot hit the brakes. It’s something I need to fix. I don’t know how. I’ll figure it out.

I’m so proud of having titled this blog Revelations and Ramblings from the start.  I scarcely think there could be a more apt title for all of this… brain blabber, is the only other way to describe it. As always, thanks for your time.

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