Consistent Yet Still Elusive

Me to me. Honestly, I think I largely have myself all figured out. But part of the challenge, it seems, is that I’m just a bunch of dualities and cusps. Pridefully I will always admit that this seems to be one of my most positive traits– I can befriend and/or relate to many, many people, at least on some level. Appropriate that maybe one of my greatest strengths is also my Achilles heel.

I’m smart, but not *too* smart. Smart enough that people who are actually quite intellectually admirable will hang with me, but not smart enough to be on their level. I think I could’ve been. I’m trying to resurrect some of it, and feed myself a story that says I haven’t wasted more than half my years’ potential. The story I’m trying to adopt is that everything comes in its own perfect timing, and I must’ve not been ready up until this point. It’s a hard sell. But that’s the best I can do.

I like to think of myself as emotion/reason-balanced. That is to say, when you interact with me, you’ll just see me as a human. Not too passive, not aggressive. Not super girly, not masculine. Neutrality is a point of pride. I don’t have a bland personality, but as in the first paragraph, I think it’s one that’s all over enough to be relatable.

I’m so tired right now so I hope I’m not typing in a way that suggests arrogance, and I also hope I seem coherent. Now, to the main event:

I am highly sensitive. This annoys me so much, because I don’t want to be ‘highly’ anything, in general terms. I think I’m not *highly* highly sensitive, thank goodness… but maybe I am. I notice my stress perk up so quickly and so routinely now; I don’t think it’s new sensitivity, but I hadn’t been so aware of it until these past few months. I’m around so many children and in a bustling household… the noise, dudes. It’ll getcha.

There’s no real conclusion to this post– sorry, I’m just more and more sleepy by the word. Anyway, it’s just interesting to learn about myself. How can I want to keep my neutrality SO insistently but also long to be more defined? I suppose I’m getting along alright, and I am a very happy camper these days… but it’s thought-provoking. How will I balance this? Neutrality + a few extremes. We’re going to have to adjust the see-saw.

Goodnight, friends.

Apathy

Hey! If this isn’t me, what is? No posts for months and then two in one day.

Apathy. Told you I’d write about it before, and I didn’t. But I’m maybe wiser now than when I promised I’d write– so we’ll call it a win all around. lawl.

Okay so! My apathy is probably not true apathy since I’m not apathetic about feeling it. Maybe that’s been a circumstantial change, but I don’t remember ever not caring about my inability to care. Speaking of “care”, remember when I remarked that I care about other people often more than they seem to care about themselves, and certainly more than they care about me? That’s true, I’ve come to see, but only relatively speaking. Because the inclination to care mixed with the brand of apathy/emptiness I battle… it has been a big inhibition to caring all the way. In fact, I think I’ve generally cared 30-65% about different things, depending… but that’s always been more than enough. Everyone’s capacity in this realm is individual, right? I strug.gle. to pick both feet off the ground and trust/care fully. It’s just dangerous. When you care as little as 30% and that’s already overwhelming for whatever/whomever you’re invested in… what possibility do you have to throw yourself completely in? Honestly as much as that has clearly been a source of disappointment for me, as you may have previously read, I can’t fault anything or anyone for not having been able to bear the full weight of my feels. But I am grateful to finally recognize this disconnect. And I am grateful that I can now do the emotional work to be brave enough to throw myself fully into pursuits, to risk falling hard if whatever/whomever can’t catch what I’m serving. It’s unlearning a life of habitual holding back. Which is a damn challenge. But you know what? We’re at a dead end without it. We’ve BEEN at a dead end. Time to climb this wall. Time to ditch the apathy. hahah even typing that made me wince a little. This could hurt. Badly. But it’s being alive, right? Let’s trust this faith we claim to have, I guess. Challenging my faith and asking the universe, god, whatever to prove itself has not been my jam. But I guess what I’m asking of it now is to somehow save me from utter annihilation if, when I get as brave as humanly possible in chasing honesty, where I choose to go hard is somewhere that again, can’t even bear 1/3 of what I’m gonna give it. Prayers. Up.

Just a casual thought process on a Sunday

I’m just gonna write this and not worry about whether or not I’ve written something to the exact same effect before. Because I bet I have.

I want to write. Or rather, I want to capitalize off of my perceived societal values and skills. So I guess what I meant by the first sentence of this paragraph was ‘I want to live.’ Y’all. I live in Switzerland. It’s a dream come true within a Covid nightmare. I can’t do half of what I would here because it isn’t allowed. Or, if it is, it’s less than advisable. And if you know me, I want to do things that I personally can feel assured are advisable. The fact that going places is not considered best practice in 2020 is not great for a person who’s already built with a too-heavy dose of procrastination and who relies on environmental stimulus if she is gonna manage to get anything done. But I digress.

The point is: I know I’m capable of writing. I’ve decided to move to Japan, so the only practical way for me to remotely make money while I indulge this next adventure is to utilize my writing capabilities, to stumble and feel inadequate as I persist in trying to produce something worth someone’s financial investment. This is uncomfortable, and honestly feels boring from this prospective view, and is something I’ve gotta do, anyway. So whatever. The other point is! I want to do something physically involved. I want to help people, I want to help nature. So these are the things I have to look into, as I stumble along writing. I need to volunteer in a soup kitchen, or with refugee/poor families somehow, I need to participate in outdoor cleanup activities. I need to work in a park and help organize events for students. Or something.

I am just stream of consciousness-ing right now. Isn’t it weird that I don’t really love writing but think so much more clearly this way? So funky. I can’t wait for these Covid vaccines to come through, to help put out this fire and allow us to live more normally. To not have rain on this parade right when we’re supposed to be getting it fired up. I’m 28 now. Clock is RACING, my dudes. Time to boss up via sheer determination. Not my strongest suit. But I gotta. I gotta. Prayers up. lol