Hey! If this isn’t me, what is? No posts for months and then two in one day.

Apathy. Told you I’d write about it before, and I didn’t. But I’m maybe wiser now than when I promised I’d write– so we’ll call it a win all around. lawl.

Okay so! My apathy is probably not true apathy since I’m not apathetic about feeling it. Maybe that’s been a circumstantial change, but I don’t remember ever not caring about my inability to care. Speaking of “care”, remember when I remarked that I care about other people often more than they seem to care about themselves, and certainly more than they care about me? That’s true, I’ve come to see, but only relatively speaking. Because the inclination to care mixed with the brand of apathy/emptiness I battle… it has been a big inhibition to caring all the way. In fact, I think I’ve generally cared 30-65% about different things, depending… but that’s always been more than enough. Everyone’s capacity in this realm is individual, right? I strug.gle. to pick both feet off the ground and trust/care fully. It’s just dangerous. When you care as little as 30% and that’s already overwhelming for whatever/whomever you’re invested in… what possibility do you have to throw yourself completely in? Honestly as much as that has clearly been a source of disappointment for me, as you may have previously read, I can’t fault anything or anyone for not having been able to bear the full weight of my feels. But I am grateful to finally recognize this disconnect. And I am grateful that I can now do the emotional work to be brave enough to throw myself fully into pursuits, to risk falling hard if whatever/whomever can’t catch what I’m serving. It’s unlearning a life of habitual holding back. Which is a damn challenge. But you know what? We’re at a dead end without it. We’ve BEEN at a dead end. Time to climb this wall. Time to ditch the apathy. hahah even typing that made me wince a little. This could hurt. Badly. But it’s being alive, right? Let’s trust this faith we claim to have, I guess. Challenging my faith and asking the universe, god, whatever to prove itself has not been my jam. But I guess what I’m asking of it now is to somehow save me from utter annihilation if, when I get as brave as humanly possible in chasing honesty, where I choose to go hard is somewhere that again, can’t even bear 1/3 of what I’m gonna give it. Prayers. Up.